Ok there is this HUGE distracting ad at the top of the page. I don't know if I can write.

It involves fish. Jumping in and out of a tank and they are very colorful... fishies... funny fishies.


I'm so mad at technology. No matter how improved and state of the art things are, they always break. It's true. Yet another cd player of mine is on it's way down, and my laptop screen is still blank. I really wasn't going to rant about this today but these things have impeded my typing about the stuff that I really care about. I don't even remember what I care about because I've spent most of the weekend de-virusing and de-spywaring my computer and doing disk cleanup and defrags and hunting down random programs that start running for no reason taking over the poor puter. But still the screen is blank. There are a few more things I could try, but I don't really know how to do them and the weekend is over and its back to actor/casting mode which means no time for me.

I've had an interesting couple weeks since I've written but nothing really worth writing home about. No crazy stories... that I care to share anyways... ha ha that sounds a lot more exciting that it is.

My improv show last weekend went great. It was such an ego boost. It is a perfect example of how improv works so much better when you know and trust your team. The improv auditions I have failed miserably at have gone badly because I was nervous, had no idea what to expect, and had no group mindset with the other people in the room. The group mind is such a cool thing. It's really hard to describe. I suppose you could compare it to being in a really close relationship, the kind where you finish eachothers sentences. Except in improv you are connected on this level with like a dozen other people. That's the kind of thing I'm looking for in Chicago. People to connect with.

"Cuz blue eyes... I just want to sing a song with you!" I lost my Garden State Soundtrack CD a few weeks ago. Luckily I happened to copy it onto my computer. I just hooked up my mom's monitor to my computer so I could burn the CD. Then I put the new CD in my CD player and it started skipping like crazy. "So what if you catch me? Where would we land?" So now I have it on the stereo in my room turned up really loud so I can hear it where the computer is living temporarily. This is the technology issues I've been having tongiht.

Listing to that CD makes me wish I wasn't a robot with no capacity for emotion. Emotion is too scary. Being a real girl is too scary. When I was younger I was always emotional. It brought me nothing but trouble. Emotions never solve anything. I never liked rollercoasters either. It's not that I have a fear of falling... it's the landing part that really freaks me out.

The problem is my depression. See the tricky thing is I do have emotions... but if I give in to them everything will fall apart. I'm surprised that things have been going so well for so long. The other night I had an anxiety attack and stayed up all night applying for health insurance. Not only because I had convinced myself that I was having a mild heart attack, but because I really need to get my hands on some Zoloft. Going to the gym a few times a week has helped me sleep at night. My favorite therapist of all the therapists I had over the years told me that regular exercize would be the only way I would be happy without medication - its all about getting the right chemicals floating around in the brain.

So in general I am happy, but the days are getting shorter and listening to this CD always makes me wish I was in love. So that makes me sad, but in a day-dreamy girly kind of way. "Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where."

I'm in a wierd place. I don't have a normal job, and no classmates. I worry that when I call people to hang out I sound desparate. It's only because I don't want to get lost and forgotten.

"When you are out there on the road, for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home. They will see us waving from such great heights, come down now they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away, come down now, but we'll stay."

I tell people about what I'm doing with my life and my plans and what comes out of my mouth sounds pretty cool. Inside I still think of myself as the irresponsible teenager that can't get her biology homework done to save her life. I fall asleep with my head in my textbook wondering why the boys don't like me. Ten years later I wish I could just wake up, get the damn work done and stop blaming the boys.