There is a spider in my bathroom. It's hiding against the light switches that don't work. The ones that Michael put scotch tape over so people wouldn't try them by accident. it lives under the scotch tape. I know it's still alive because sometimes it will be under the scotch tape on the top switch, and sometimes it will be under the scotch tape over the middle switch. It is red. Very gross. It has a black body... I thought it was part carpenter ant at first. That's how big it's body is. With EEEEvil red legs. Like a cooked lobster.

It just sits... and waits. I feel like I should get rid of it in case someone comes over to visit and needs to use the bathroom. Everyone goes for those lightswitches first. We always have to say, "pretend you're five years old!" and then people find the actual switch two feet lower on the wall. By the looks of this monstrous thing, it could be poisonous. It IS red afterall. Red means poison.

I checked it's speed and agility by blowing on it, and that sucker is FAST. It has strategically placed itself between the lightswitches and the tape so I don't think I could get it on the first go. I'm afraid that once it knows I'm trying to take it out, it might retaliate in ways unimaginable. That bastard could jump over to the toilet in nanoseconds and then I'm just one bean burrito away from a spider bite of biblical proportions.

For now, I simply acknowledge it as I walk into the room. I tip my hat and it tentatively raises a leg. I brush my teeth with one eye on him all the time. I haven't showered in days. I just don't trust him. A little shampoo in the eye, and snap... besides I don't feel comfortable getting in the shower with it's beady little eyes following me around the room.

I was pondering how to get rid of it. Do you think shave gel would suffocate it? Anything to keep it from jumping at me. I learned my lesson that time I sprayed Deep Woods OFF at that tarantula in the Dominican Republic. It wasn't good.

I don't think he liked getting his picture taken.