Notice in the picture of the parking ticket below, the bruise under my right eye. Zach did that to me! He is not getting away with this domestic abuse! I am sharing the whole story for the world to know the TRUTH!


I will finally tell you what happened Wednesday Night:

When I called the cops Zach told Officer Bob that it was an "accident" that we were playing "basketball" at the "park"

I said, no way! "He was playing "Mike Tyson" on my "face" "

So the cop said, "OK, Tina... let's take a look at that shiner of yours" and turned my face to the light. Officer Bob pulled back his hand smeared with a black substance. "This isn't a bruise, this is stage makeup... explain yourself"

I replied, "Well, I'm in this Chekov workshop and it's being filmed so I put on eyeliner and mascara... What's wrong? Do I look puffy? Lucy! I need a spot check on the eyeliner!! ...and then afterwards the whole gang went to the park and started playing basketball. It's my birthday, you know."

The cop sighed "So he didn't punch you in the face?" He looked me up and down as Lucy reapplied my under-eye concealer and dabbed my face with opaque powder. It was 3am after all and even Clinique Stay-Buff can't last THAT long.

I noticed he seemed confused, so I figured he recognised me, "You think I look familiar, don't you? Yes, I am THAT Megan Kelleher. Liz! Sweetie! Would you be a doll and fetch the officer a headshot? And one of those cutie patootie gel pens I bought the other day!!"

"M'am! Would you please just answer the question??" Officer Bob interrupted gruffly.

"Question?" I pondered absentmindedly. As I handed Liz my keys.

"Did Mr Myers punch you in the face?" he pleaded gesturing to Zach, who having gotten pretty comfy in his cuffs had somehow managed to strip down to his boxers and was beginning to do his famous "Cell Block Nine" dance on the picnic table.

"Well not technically... but I definitely got hit... there was a basketball, and... hey, where did Weggie and Melel go? They were my witnesses!"

Lucy, shushed me frantically, "ixnay... opkay" And I remembered that my friends have automatic fight or flight reactions around Johnny Law, and if they chose "flight" there is more than likely a reason and it's probably best to leave them hiding in the port-o-johns for a few minutes.

Officer Bob rolled his eyes, "I'm a cop, I know pig latin."

"Michael was playing too! Tell them!" I shouted.

My brother jumped up from where he had been leaning on the cop car hitting on Officer Jane. "Huh?" "I like bananas!" He replied.

"See Bob? Mikey likes bananas. Look at what you've done. Are you satisfied now?" I said, "Would you please let us continue our picnic in peace?"

Throwing his clipboard on the ground and holding his head Officer Bob yelled, "YOU called US! There was a report of domestic abuse at Van Dyck Park!"

"Yes! My eye!" I retorted with equal exasperation. "Would you please do something?!?!"

Officer Bob laid out the facts "What do you expect us to do?!?! You put on too much makeup.."

"I was on stage!" I interrupted.

"Yes... and played basketball and this sweaty shirtless kid knocked into you and smeared it! That is not a crime." Officer Bob was at the end of his rope.

"Did you interview any witnesses? There was a crime commited here tonight! I demand satisfaction!"

Tom started strumming his guitar and Mikey picked up the Djimbe as Zach started singing, "I CAN'T GET NO..."

Officer Bob shouted above the bad Rolling Stones cover, "Yes, we've interviewed everyone here and the only fact that agrees is that you suck at basketball. They all say you suck so bad it should be a crime, but unfortunately I can't arrest you for that - " He had to stop lecturing me to rescue Officer Jane. Apparently she tried to interrupt Zach's Mick Jagger impression to take off the handcuffs and he and Mike were grinding her from either side. Weggie and Melel had reappeared and were trying to play "Heya" by Outkast on the Djimbe.

As officers Bob and Jane peeled out to get away from us Mikey sang, "Yall don't want to hear me, you just wanna dance."