Even though blogging via email is easier and has the cool title line, in fact it is rather slow to appear on the screen. That recent posting about being scared of the email being broken for days and days was actually from 3 days ago.... ironic.

But what's really on my mind is communication with friends. If people stop calling me does that mean they dislike me? If this was a Cosmo article on dating the simple answer would be "yes" but in Meegland that is not necessarily true.

Sometimes I go for months without talking to people but I don't do it on purpose. Sometimes I just don't have anything relevant to say. I try to keep at least a few people in the "recently called" bank on my cell phone sometimes by just singing into his or her voicemail while sitting in traffic. But honestly who really wants to hear Meegs singing selections from Madonna's "Immaculate Collection" entirely off key? I know some of you don't... so I don't go there. But others get a kick out of it and leave me a message later singing back to another song most often of the 80s genre. I like that. I like 80s music.

Then what do I do about the ones who don't appreciate my vocal stylings? I can't handle conversations with awkward pauses while I'm driving, and now that I have HBO I don't really make any calls from home.

This is my fear:
One of my family members has a friend that calls incessantly. This is one of those people that tags along at the SLIGHTEST hint of an invitation. This person also happens to be on the list of the top 10 most annoying people of all time. So nobody at my house answers the phone when this person calls, so they call again, and again (within hours) until somebody answers in frustration just to make them go away. Then plans get made and the cycle happens all over again.
I'm scared of being that person.
I don't want to be the annoying one that can't take the hint.

So earlier in my life... in those lost years... I assumed I was that person, so if somebody didn't call me, I pretty much wrote it off as them not wanting to hang out with me. Or if an invitation was awkwardly presented or handed down through a third party I would decline because I thought I was just being included out of politeness and I always said the thing I hated most was "being tolerated."

But once I flipped that around I got better. Instead of assuming I was being tolerated out of an obligatory sense of inclusion, I assumed that everybody wanted to hang out with me. I started taking chances on mere aquaintences and made some really great new connections because of it. We are all alike inside. We are all insecure. We all want to be loved. We all want to be called once in a while.

So now say you have a friend who seemed really depressed last time you had a deep conversation, and now months have gone by. You have seen this friend in passing, but no more. No time to talk or connect. So all you can do is leave a message. Now what? What else can you do? When I was depressed I would have killed for a message. And I probably got some. But I'm sure I was too deep in myself to realize it. If I'm not there. Maybe I'm not meant to be.

Why am I obsessed with saving depressed people? Is it some freakish co-dependent fascination? A need to feel needed? I can't save everyone. Especially the ones that hide from me. I guess just like the kid in the star fish story. I feel compelled to try.